How to have an awful Christmas thanks to the government guidelines

FANCY eating your Christmas dinner with the windows wide open in December while worrying about what exactly you’re allowed to do? Follow the government’s Christmas guidance.

Meet friends and family outdoors

Because there’s nothing nicer than standing in cold drizzle exchanging increasingly soggy gifts with a bunch of miserable people, is there? The only thing that might help is imbibing alcohol from the second you wake up on Christmas Day. Although to be honest, you’d probably do that anyway.

Meet your Christmas bubble indoors

Want to feel worried about killing your granny whilst eating cold roast potatoes in a wind tunnel caused by having the windows open at the front and back of your home? Now you can! Happy Christmas from the government.

Be a student

You’ve probably had a terrible year being locked in your halls with Covid. Now you are going to have a horrible time locked in your house with your family. No, you can’t go out to see your friends. That would be irresponsible, unlike keeping you in a confined space with a huge group of strangers.

Have a horribly complicated childcare bubble

If you have kids with a partner you’re no longer with, Christmas is probably enough of a nightmare already. Thanks to the government guidelines you can now add a tense argument with your new partner over having to include your ex as one of the three households in your bubble. Enjoy!

Do anything at all

Having announced the Christmas rules the government is now rowing back on them without actually changing them. Whatever you do, it’s going to be stressful and worrying, like a Christmas invented by Franz Kafka where you could be punished at any time for breaking rules you don’t understand. Still, the government still hopes you manage to enjoy yourself. Somehow.

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Seven presents that say 'You're dumped'

CONCERNED about the health of your relationship? If you receive any of these lacklustre gifts you’ll be seeing 2021 in single: 

Cuddly toy

Even a stupidly expensive Steiff teddy sends the clear message ‘I couldn’t think of anything and wasn’t going to waste any more time on it’. Worse if it’s a small, cheap one that looks a dead nylon rat. Or if they say ‘it reminds me of you!’, meaning ‘you’re fat.’

A bike accessory

Do you spend all your time on your bike, and your partner used to moan about it? This new metallic purple bottle cage is their way of saying ‘Go out on your bike more. Don’t ever be in the house. I’m f**king someone else.’

Mediocre chocolates

Chocolates are fine, but go to some effort. A supermarket box of Lindt spheres is a lover’s way of saying you mean as much to them as whichever dick they got in secret Santa.

Something your partner wants themselves

Whether it’s a PS5 or a spa weekend, any present that’s delivered with the false promise ‘I thought we could do it together, you might really get into it!’ is the item that will be retain when you split. See also: quad bikes, power drill sets, drones.

Lame alcohol

Decent champagne to share on Christmas Day says ‘keeper’, unless they’ve got a drink problem and insist on cracking it at 7am. However, two tiny bottles of chardonnay in a presentation pack sucks. If they give you 16 cans of Tennents Super, the relationship might be ‘troubled’ anyway.

The same thing they got you last year

Especially when you’ve unknowingly bought them the same thing they got last year.

A spatula

An attempt at an ironic present, or a desperate attempt to force your hand and get you to end it? Either way.