YES, I have just spaffed £37 billion on a useless track and trace system and Dido Harding’s grasping, clueless army. But sod you, taxpayers. Be grateful I didn’t spend it on these projects…
Pulp the cash to build a papier-mache bridge to Northern Ireland
Whinging, so-called experts would say that such a bridge would instantly collapse into the sea. But it would serve notice to the EU that we will seek any solution, however calamitously stupid, to preserve British sovereignty.
Bung a billion to make Big Ben visible from space
With a major cash injection, we could rebuild Big Ben as a 50-mile-high, luminous, throbbing symbol of British potency. We’d give the money to the contractors first and if they said ‘Actually, that’s impossible’, well, we wouldn’t be so churlish as to ask for the money back.
Statues of me holding a whopping great syringe outside every hospital
Well, I am The Man Who Vaccinated Britain. I’ve spent more time playing with vaccines in laboratories than the geeky eggheads who invented them.
A £37 billion one-off gift to Amazon’s Jeff Bezos
Who’s kept things running while all the shops are shut? Good old Amazon, of course. We could clap them on our doorsteps but why not just give Jeff a large cash sum, which he will surely share with all his employees.
A fund to rebuild Buckingham Palace out of solid gold
Does it make you a racist to think this is a good idea? The ‘woke’ brigade would say it does. But anyone who opposes this idea is the true racist. Just thought I’d keep that pot boiling.