Hungover Britain hopes it didn't do anything f*cking stupid last night

THE UK has woken up massively hungover with a vague dread that it did something really f*cking idiotic last night. 

The country is gulping water in front of the bathroom mirror while trying not to remember what it was screaming in elation at midnight, because it fears it was something actually quite bad.

Nathan Muir of Worcester said: “Yeah. I got seriously f*cked up. But there’s this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that I don’t know the half of it yet.

“You know that kind of drunk where you’re somehow furiously active, and think you’ve got some kind of special clarity unavailable to the sober, and decide to make some big decisions? I think that’s the kind of drunk I was.

“Did I – did we – leave something? I seem to remember shouting ‘good bastard riddance’ when I was p*ssing and watching some fireworks.

“Ah, it’s probably just the hangover talking. I probably didn’t do anything idiotic and irreversible at all. I’ll just put the telly on while I wait for the paracetamol to kick in.”

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How to claw back your self-respect after you've drunk-texted your ex

DID you send your ex a text telling them you still ‘have feelings’ for them while blackout drunk? Here’s how to wriggle out of it: 

Get drunk again

The terrible shame of waking up and realising you’ve been an utter prick will only go away if you drink some more alcohol, then text again making it clear you’re hammered at lunchtime, and suddenly it’s all about your alcoholism. Classic dodge.

Tell an elaborate lie

Wait a week then text them again saying how the strangest thing happened: your phone got stolen by a moped gang who cleared out your bank account then texted the same thing to all your contacts and the police have only just returned it. Then add twelve shrugging emojis.

Claim mistaken identity

Send another text apologising for being so shitfaced that you mistook their number for that of your new partner, who is both a model, an heir to millions and a human rights lawyer. They won’t believe you but you’ll feel a tiny bit better for about three minutes.

Pretend it never happened

Just deny all knowledge. Even if they text back saying they still love you too, in which case call them a demented stalker and get the police involved.

Smash your phone and throw the bits in the sea

Thereby ensuring you’re not able to receive their reply which will say something kind and deeply humiliating like ‘You seem a bit unstable. Shall I call your mum?’