Saturday, 26th September 2020

Hungover Britain hopes it didn't do anything f*cking stupid last night

THE UK has woken up massively hungover with a vague dread that it did something really f*cking idiotic last night. 

The country is gulping water in front of the bathroom mirror while trying not to remember what it was screaming in elation at midnight, because it fears it was something actually quite bad.

Nathan Muir of Worcester said: “Yeah. I got seriously f*cked up. But there’s this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that I don’t know the half of it yet.

“You know that kind of drunk where you’re somehow furiously active, and think you’ve got some kind of special clarity unavailable to the sober, and decide to make some big decisions? I think that’s the kind of drunk I was.

“Did I – did we – leave something? I seem to remember shouting ‘good bastard riddance’ when I was p*ssing and watching some fireworks.

“Ah, it’s probably just the hangover talking. I probably didn’t do anything idiotic and irreversible at all. I’ll just put the telly on while I wait for the paracetamol to kick in.”