I am not Marty McFly so you may call me chicken as much as you like, explains Corbyn

JEREMY Corbyn has explained to Conservatives that he is not the film character ‘Marty McFly’ and suffers no instinctive reaction to being called ‘chicken’. 

As Tories prepared their next brilliant plan of moving their arms like wings while clucking a lot, which they are convinced will win them an early election and no-deal Brexit, Corbyn remained unmoved.

He said: “As it happens I saw the film Back to the Future during an unguarded moment in the 1980s, and am familiar with the character played by Michael J Fox.

“I am unlike McFly in many ways. I have no age-inappropriate friendships with scientists, I do not ‘skitch’ on motor vehicles with my skateboard, and I am not in the least annoyed at being called ‘chicken’.

“In fact I admire chickens and hope to lead Britain to a self-sufficient socialist future where every household keeps chickens, as they do in Cuba, killing them for food when government rations fall short.

“Chickens are socialist. The three lions on English football shirts should be replaced by three noble chickens. Do you have any other ideas?”

A leading Conservative MP said: “Okay lads, let him have it. Frit! Frit! Frit! Frit! Frit! Frit! Frit! Frit!”

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Schoolboy writes harrowing true-horror essay about what he did on his shit British holiday

A SCHOOLBOY has told the unspeakable truth about his sh*tty British summer holiday in a back-to-school essay.

Nine-year-old Tom Logan wrote the essay while his teacher struggled to remember how her job worked, but instead of the expected platitudes turned out a terrifying epic of extreme weather, traumatic boredom and gritty street-level realism.

He said: “At first, all we did was bingewatch Paw Patrol while mum and her new fancy man messed around going to the shops and ordering us to clean up after the dog.

“But then we did two weeks in a caravan in Filey in relentless rain, hanging around damp arcades, standing in shelters watching the rain cascade down, throwing stones at the grey, grey sea.

“Then it was a week at granny’s, then a week at Dad’s in Northampton which is the most boring place in Britain, then we basically hung around on the street telling Yodel drivers to piss off.

“The scene where I push my sister into the road as seagulls dive-bomb her for chips while a coach of senile pensioners brakes hard is like a Ken Loach movie. I’m very proud of it.”

Teacher Carolyn Ryan said: “I’ve contacted social services but there’s nothing they can do. It’s just Britain.”