Woman on deathbed regrets not doing more ironing

AN 88-year-old woman has confessed that her biggest regret is that she did not spend more time ironing clothes. 

Margaret Gerving of Guildford admitted she also wishes she had devoted more of her life to cleaning skirting boards, reading the classics and tweeting about politics.

Kelly said: “I always thought when the end came I’d regret not spending more time with my family, but if I could turn back time I’d spend more Sundays working through a stack of school uniform.

“It breaks my heart remembering laughing and playing with the children when I could have done six hours of hot steam and sent them to school looking crisp and smart.

“Sure they grew up happy, I had a fantastic career, travelled the world, but the thought of those creased clothes is going through me. Why didn’t I realise what was important?

“I may only have a few days left. And I’m sure as hell going to use them tackling that ironing pile.”

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Snap election to let Britain vote for lesser of two evils yet a-f**king-gain

AN upcoming general election will let the UK vote for parties they despise less than they despise other parties for the fourth time this decade.

A straw poll of the electorate revealed nobody deserved to be in charge but that some w**k-handed useless fuckers would have to be anyway.

Labour voter Martin Bishop said: “I’ll vote Corbyn, even though he’s like a sh*t design and technology teacher who never comes out of his room, because he’s better than Johnson.

“Meanwhile my wife can’t bear either so is basically ticking the ‘Don’t Know’ box, which is to say Jo Swinson and the Lib Dems.”

Tory voter Donna Sheridan said: “My MP’s been deselected so it’s a new mental Tory, a fresh-faced young communist or the old twat I already hated running as an independent.”

Green Party voter Nikki Hollis added: “I’ll be voting Green, because at this point why the f**k not?”

And Stephen Malley said, “I’ll be proudly marching to the polling station to cast my vote for Nigel Farage and the Brexit party, hand on red-white-and-blue heart.

“We’re the only people who sincerely want our party in power, and we’re categorically insane.”