Johnson to regain majority by challenging Commons to British Bulldog

BORIS Johnson is to restore his majority by challenging the Commons to British Bulldog then stopping the game when everyone has crossed the floor. 

The prime minister will interrupt today’s debate by suggesting a quick game of the playground favourite ‘to blow off steam’, calling anyone who objects unpatriotic.

Johnson then intends to position himself in the centre of the Commons, doing a deliberately poor job of stopping MPs as they charge toward him, and will then declare everyone on his side to be Tories giving him a majority of more than 600.

A Downing Street insider said: “It’s Dominic Cummings’s idea, and it’s genius.

“Once you cross the floor you’ve joined a new party, yeah? So if we trick them all into crossing to the Conservative benches then they’re all Tories and we can pass whatever we like. Brilliant.”

The move is expected to end in tragedy when Boris Johnson’s lifeless body, trampled almost flat by hundreds of gleefully stamping feet, is scraped off the Commons floor.

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The foreigner's guide to what the f**k has happened to Britain

FOREIGN? Then you’re probably wondering why the mother of parliaments is collapsing like an Albanian pyramid scheme. We try to explain:  

Who is leader of the UK?

In theory, it’s Boris Johnson, who you can tell apart from other politicians because he looks like a child transforming into his evil self in front of a funhouse mirror. In practice, it appears to be Dominic Cummings, a shadowy political strategist hoping to play Jafar in a regional tour of Aladdin. 

Who is the opposition?

Technically it’s Jeremy Corbyn, but he is so far below anyone’s radar that many think him just an unsettling dream. In opposition to the Conservative Party are the slightly less mad bits of the Conservative party. Eastern Europeans from one-party states may remember the kind of thing.

Is there going to be an election?

As things stand British politics is so flamboyantly corrupt it is almost Italian, and Britons wouldn’t be surprised if Boris Johnson turned Westminster into his own personal Bunga-Bunga palace for a Channel 5 reality series. But probably.

Are you ever going to do Brexit?

It is beginning to feel like Brexit cannot be done. But they said that about colonising Mars, which also cannot be done.

Should I be glad I don’t live there?

Yes.