Sunday, 8th December 2019

Johnson to regain majority by challenging Commons to British Bulldog

BORIS Johnson is to restore his majority by challenging the Commons to British Bulldog then stopping the game when everyone has crossed the floor. 

The prime minister will interrupt today's debate by suggesting a quick game of the playground favourite ‘to blow off steam’, calling anyone who objects unpatriotic.

Johnson then intends to position himself in the centre of the Commons, doing a deliberately poor job of stopping MPs as they charge toward him, and will then declare everyone on his side to be Tories giving him a majority of more than 600.

A Downing Street insider said: “It’s Dominic Cummings’s idea, and it’s genius.

“Once you cross the floor you’ve joined a new party, yeah? So if we trick them all into crossing to the Conservative benches then they’re all Tories and we can pass whatever we like. Brilliant.”

The move is expected to end in tragedy when Boris Johnson’s lifeless body, trampled almost flat by hundreds of gleefully stamping feet, is scraped off the Commons floor.