I can't believe that f**king worked, says May

THERESA May is stunned that Amber Rudd’s resignation caused everyone to forget the Windrush deportations were entirely her idea, she had admitted.

The prime minister was fully expecting everyone to see through the transparent ploy of the home secretary for two years being forced to resign by the home secretary for six years, but was instead delighted to find Britain is that stupid. 

She continued: “Honestly, Theresa. Your whole life you’ve been doing this but somehow you still credit them with basic intelligence. 

“I kicked several members of the Windrush generation onto one-way flights personally. 

“But a Sunday night resignation letter from the woman I forced to be my Mini-Me and suddenly everyone’s like well, that’s been dealt with, let’s move on. And I’m like, seriously? I got away with that?

“Clearly I can bugger up Brexit as badly as I like, because I’ve got three fall guys for that one. Fox then Johnson then Davis, in that order.” 

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33-year-old cannot believe the shit 26-year-olds are listening to

A 33-YEAR-OLD is absolutely horrified at the utter crap that today’s 26-year-olds believe to be good music. 

Nathan Muir admitted that he actually hesitates to call it music, because as far as he can tell it is nothing but noise.

He said: “The thing is I consider myself pretty open to new sounds. But what the fuck.

“When I was getting into rap, it was all the classics like Kanye and Eminem, not these face-tattooed freaks mumbling without even a beat? Lil Xan? Lil Bullshit.

“You can’t tell me any rational mind, given the choice, would listen to Marshmello and Selena Gomez over a proper track like LMFAO featuring Lauren Bennett and GoonRock.

“Say what you like about Basshunter, it had a tune and a sentiment. You knew the guy had been through some stuff. Where’s the Hard-Fi of the modern day?”

He added: “Probably they’re pretending to like it to look cool. That’s what my dad says.”