I have no idea what I have just done

AS prime minister and leader of your country, I have just done something which will have consequences completely unknown to me. 

By sending an Article 50 letter to the EU, which has never been done before, I have metaphorically pressed a big red button marked ‘Do Not Press’ just to see what happens.

Normally, the role of a country’s leader is to be fully briefed on all possible contingencies of any decision they make, rather than to be entirely oblivious about it.

But on this occasion, it is not my job to know what I am doing. My job is only to leap into the unknown and now, just as Northern Ireland has no government and Scotland is drumming up support for independence and the US has gone mad, is the perfect time.

As my mother once said, you get nowhere in life without taking chances. Although to be fair she said that when I was nervous about going pony trekking on a school trip, which is a slightly different thing.

Please join me in hoping it all works out.

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Woman has too many suggestions for your holiday

YOUR holiday to Rome is under threat from a colleague who went there last year and has far too many tips for you.

Nikki Hollis, who joined the company after you did, in a different department, but who likes to give you job advice anyway, has drawn up a highlights itinerary for your benefit.

She said: “You have to pre-book the Borghese Gallery, but you’ll probably be fine at the Capitoline Museums.

“The Vaticani is super frustrating though. Sorry, did I say Vaticani? I meant Vatican. I picked up some of the local lingo.”

She added: “Don’t carry too much money around at any one time, don’t drink cappuccinos after lunch, don’t wear your bikini to church.

“Never order pizza in Rome, it won’t be as good as the pizza in Napoli, I mean Naples, where I went in 2014. I’ve made you a Google Map with my favourite ice cream places on it.

“And here’s my number, in case you need anything or want some more advice. Ciao!

“Ciao means bye, in case you didn’t know that.”