New pound coin sorry it's attached to completely f**ked currency

THE new one pound coin would rather not be attached to a doomed currency, it has confirmed.

The 12-sided coin’s security features, including a hologram and micro-lettering, have been designed to stop forgers making counterfeits which would only happen if anyone still expected it to be worth anything. 

New pound coin Tom Booker said: “I’m a lovely coin. Such a shame sterling’s going down the shitter.

“Just seems a waste packing in all these security features for something you’ll need a wheelbarrow full of just to buy a loaf of bread. 

“Still, I suppose there’s a couple of years before the black-marketers only take Euros. 

“Anyway, if you’re willing to put in the effort I’ll sharpen up beautifully for throwing, which I expect will be my main use post-2019.” 

He added: “Of course it’ll still fit in supermarket trolleys. And you’ll be needing those to push your belongings around.” 



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Worried Britons notice opposite of everything May says is true

THE exact opposite of anything Theresa May says is correct, concerned Britons have realised.

May claimed Brexit will make the UK more united, sparking fears that she lives in a delusional fantasy world where grass grows on clouds.

Office worker Tom Logan said: “I don’t see how we’re more united if Scotland is trying to leave and half the population thinks the other half are gullible racists or liberal ponces.

“May also said we’d cut red tape and become a great trading nation, but we’re employing loads more civil servants and it turns out all we’ve got to sell is Reggae Reggae Sauce.

“Maybe she’s got a rare neurological disorder, like in The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat. So if she tells you it’s a lovely sunny day, it’s actually pissing with rain and the middle of the night.”

Retail assistant Nikki Hollis said: “May said Brexit was ‘red, white and blue’ when everyone knows it’s a colourless abstract concept, so she’s clearly a bit cracked.

“Also she thinks her weird clothes make it look as though she’s got a personality, when really she just looks like Servalan out of Blake’s 7.”