IDS fires Kalashnikov into air

IAIN Duncan Smith has been reprimanded for firing a machine gun into the air following yesterday’s budget speech. 

The Work and Pensions Secretary pulled the AK-47 from its hiding place under the front bench and, holding it one-handed, discharged several rounds into the Commons ceiling. 

He also howled in an unrecognisable language later identified as a combination of Old Gaelic and Japanese, before squatting on his haunches, sticking his tongue out and baring his teeth at each member of the shadow cabinet in turn. 

Duncan Smith said: “Oh, for God’s sake, why is it considered so wrong for a politician to show a little passion these days? 

“Why can’t you just be happy for me?”

The bullet holes in the Commons’ canvas ceiling join several made in the 1990s, when Speaker Betty Boothroyd discharged a Smith & Wesson into the air to restore order. 

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Han Solo origin film tells story of Star Wars

THE new Han Solo origin movie will tell the story of how he rescued Princess Leia from the Death Star before helping her brother destroy it.

Beginning with the space pirate landing on Tatooine, it will follow him as he meets Obi-Wan Kenobi and a young farm boy named Luke Skywalker who take him into an unwilling partnership with the Rebel Alliance against Darth Vader himself.

Producer Nathan Muir said: “The mysterious past of Han Solo, the grizzled veteran star of December’s The Force Awakens, is one of the most fantastic stories of the Star Wars universe.

“In this movie we’ll see him meet the woman he loves for the first time and his journey from buccaneer of the spaceways to corsair of justice, a twist that will surprise and thrill the fans.”

When asked if the film would contain anything new, Muir replied: “Well, there is the bisexual fuck-buddy relationship between Han and Chewbacca.

“I mean it’s still mostly implied, but it’s a lot more obvious.”