I’m probably not going to hurt this dog, says Osborne

GEORGE Osborne last night revealed he has a new dog called Lola that he currently has no plans to hurt.

The chancellor said the animal would live a long and happy life because ‘Britain is a nice place full of sensible people’.

He said: “I am absolutely certain that this country’s millions of dog lovers will vote Conservative at the next election.”

Holding Lola close to his face until their noses were touching, he added: “The chances of me having no choice but to throw you in a river are negligible.”

A Treasury spokesman said: “The chancellor is a fundamentally decent person so it’s more likely that he would only pretend to hurt the dog.”


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First-time buyers advised to not bother

ANYONE struggling to buy a house has been advised to give the whole nightmare as wide a berth as possible.

Rising house prices and stricter lending criteria mean that tens of thousands may never know the abject misery of being chained to a mortgage for the next 25 years.

Property expert Carolyn Ryan said: “Imagine seeing on the news that banks had decided to raise their interest rates and not giving the slightest shit about it. That was all of us, once.

“Unfortunately, if you were foolish enough to believe the hype, you’re now the proud owner of a house you don’t want, somewhere you don’t want to live, with someone you don’t want to live with.

“But at least your family can sell it to pay for your care when you’re old.”

Homeowner Joseph Turner said: “People moan about renting from landlords who don’t want to spend a penny on maintaining a dilapidated property as it falls down around them.

“But when you buy a house, you are that landlord. The heating breaks? It’s your problem. The roof leaks? Your problem. You cannot imagine the depths of my self-loathing.

“Certainly you’re free to paint the walls purple, though. If that’s your idea of a good time, go on and buy a fucking house.”