Is Boris Johnson a hoax?

BORIS Johnson is – supposedly – the prime minister. But is the entire thing just a hoax played on a guillible country? These are the clues: 

Absent a lot

‘BoJo’, as some know him, followed the election with a long break in Mustique, then spent ten days off in the country before Brexit, and is now holed up in Chequers for a month. Is he resting, as actors do, while planning how next to lead us up the garden path?


The Tory leader has never truly convinced much of the British public and Europe saw straight through him. Even the Italians, who elected a comedian, hung up on him every time he called, dismissing him as a Lithuanian radio DJ making an unfunny prank call.

Doesn’t really do anything

Like another character once beloved of Britain, Mr Blobby, Boris comes in, says his catchphrases, staggers around breaking things and once had a novelty Christmas number one. But he doesn’t actually do anything per se.

Whole thing not really credible

The porky scarecrow off Have I Got News For You, prime minister? A hardcore Brexiter who wrote a column about how bad Brexit would be then sent in the opposite one? A stumbling, philandering clown? Come off it.

It would be funny

We Brits like a laugh more than anyone. And let’s face it, it would be f**king hilarious.

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'Who's laughing now?' ask sex doll owners

OWNERS of inflatable sex dolls are asking their critics who the desperate, frustrated weirdos are now. 

Having spent years as the butt of others’ jokes, men who have fulfilling relationships with sex dolls are enjoying being proved completely right and everyone else envying them.

Wayne Hayes of Wakefield said: “Well well. How the tables have turned. In just four short weeks.

“Meet Astrid. She’s the Pro Elite Lifesize Realistic model, with textured canals. Pretty pricey before, unavailable now. And what have you got?

“You thought you were safe with your apps and your girlfriend and your endless pornogaphy on tap, but sooner or later that just isn’t enough, is it?

“All it took was a month of social isolation for you to descend to my level. Meanwhile here I am watching The One Show in the rubbery embrace of my open-mouthed lover. I know who’s the winner from where I’m sitting.”

Joe Turner said: “Doomsday preppers, Jeremy Corbyn and perverts with sex dolls have all been proved right all along. I don’t think this new world is for me.”