It's very hard for us not to be racist, Tory MPs tell Britain

TORY MPs have pleaded for understanding as they struggle to overcome their debilitating problem of being unintentionally racist. 

Following the suspension of Anne Morris, MP for Newton Abbot, for the use of a racist metaphor that was completely beyond her control, more Tory MPs have bravely admitted their own issues.

Backbencher Denys Finch-Hatton said: “If you’re not born like this it must be easy. I envy you. But for me it’s a battle every single day.

“Every speech I get through without calling ‘them’ genetically less intelligent and every public appearance where I don’t brandish a golliwog is a victory, but the next morning I start all over again.

“And now, because of these cameraphones, we’re expected to not be racist even in private. That’s inhuman.”

He added: “We can’t enact openly racist policies, we can’t be racist socially, and now we’re not even allowed to use archaic racist metaphors? Enough is enough.

“I’m just so thankful Article 50’s been triggered. In less than two years my people can breathe free.”

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Man who was 'off sick' last week believes no-one has noticed his tan

A MAN who phoned in sick last week is confident his colleagues will not notice the change in his skin colour.

Tom Booker called in last Tuesday claiming he had ‘shingles’ before setting up a sun lounger in his garden.

He said: “I have no idea what ‘shingles’ means, but I can’t remember the last time I felt so relaxed and happy. I suppose I have picked up a bit of a tan, but the idiots in charge here won’t notice.

“I’ve got it all worked out.”

Booker’s line manager, Karen Jones, said: “Shingles, my arse. I can see the outline of sunglasses on his stupid, rust-coloured face. What an absolute fuckwit.”

Booker said that if he is questioned he will claim the tan is a symptom of ‘shingles’ or, if necessary, he will just burst into tears.

Jones added: “At least he didn’t put it on Facebook, unlike Dan from accounts who went to Glastonbury last month and is getting fired this afternoon.”