I've got a Brexit idea I think you'll love, May tells Parliament

THE prime minister has contacted Parliament with an innovative and fresh idea of how to take Brexit forward that she would just love them to consider. 

Theresa May told the Commons that if they are looking for plans that can gain wider acceptance among MPs, then as it turns out she has the very thing all ready.

She continued: “If it’s compromise you want this is perfect. It still means we leave the EU but we remain absolutely tied to it in every way that matters, benefiting from all their trade deals and so on.

“There’s even a special ‘backstop’ clause which mean they can’t get rid of us even if they want to! Clever or what?

“Hard Brexiters absolutely hate it, which has got to be a good sign for you guys, and guess what – it’s actually been pre-approved by the EU themselves. I know! Brilliant!

“Get this on the table and we could have Brexit sorted within a fortnight. Sounds too good to be true, right? Here’s the catch: it isn’t.”

Oliver Letwin said: “This is absolutely perfect. I can’t understand why we’ve not seen it before.”

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F**king hell we could have just brought back hanging, say Tories

SENIOR Conservatives have regretfully realised a referendum on capital punishment would probably have served the same purpose as Brexit.

With Brexit chaos worsening, Tory politicians now agree most Leave voters would have been perfectly happy with a vote to snap the necks of any criminals more serious than shoplifters.

Chief whip Denys Finch Hatton said: “Brexit’s tearing the party apart and will cost the UK billions. All you need for hanging is a scaffold, a hangman and a noose. Bargain.

“Brexiters love capital punishment. They’d have been happy with that. But oh no, we had to rile them up the gammons and make them hate a capitalist trading organisation. And us the party of business.

“Why didn’t we just send Iain Duncan Smith to B&Q with 100 quid for planks and rope? I know him and Esther McVey would have been happy to wear the hoods.”

Voter Donna Sheridan said: “I like capital punishment, but there should have been choices like guillotine, shooting or flaying. Otherwise it’s not democratic.

“I don’t see why we can’t have the best of both worlds and hang everyone in the EU.”