Jacob Rees-Mogg sent from 1883 to save Conservative Party

JACOB Rees-Mogg was sent from the year 1883 to stop the Conservatives from being destroyed, it has emerged. 

The member for North East Somerset arrived in the 21st century seven years ago, riding an elaborate contraption of valves and levers propelled by a giant striped parasol.

Carrying only a steamer trunk of starched clothes from his own era, Rees-Mogg stumbled out of the machine determined to restore honest, decent rule by gentlemen.

A Commons source said: “The prime minister of his day, Bonar Law, could see the danger posed by modern times and was determined that the barbarians should not win.

“Mr Rees-Mogg’s mission is to ensure that no man dare appear hatless in public, that the Irish should not achieve Home Rule and that voting be rolled back to land-owners only.

“He will also, via his good offices and persuasive pamphlets, see to it that Great Britain disentangles itself from any unfortunate continental conglomeration with the baser European nations. After all, we have an Empire.

“Furthermore, should the suffragette movement lead to women believing they are fit to hold public office, Mr Rees-Mogg will gently correct their hysteria and lead them back to their homemaking roles.

“In all, we should like for men to look at Mr Rees-Mogg, his attire, his bearing and bestow on him the supreme accolade, ‘Oh yes. You, Sir, are a Tory.’”

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Most social attitudes 'stupid and confused', finds Social Attitudes Survey

MOST Britons believe in stupid contradictory bullshit that is impossible to analyse, a survey has found.

The British Social Attitudes Survey asked people their views on issues such as tax and gay marriage before very much wishing it had not.

Statistician Julian Cook said: “People wanted good public services, but also thought anyone who works in the public sector is a lazy shit who should get a job in the private sector.

“95 per cent believed in a more caring society, yet a quarter of those said we should scrap all benefits immediately. What sort of honking bellend can’t see a contradiction there?

“One woman said we should fund the NHS by confiscating doctors’ salaries because ‘they’re all just posh bastards who like looking at tits’. I’m not sure we’d get doctors on board with that.

“I was briefly heartened when 85 per cent supported gay marriage, but it turned out it was only for ‘good gays’ like Clare Balding and not ‘pervert gays’ like Frankie Goes to Hollywood.

“After studying the data for several weeks I’ve come to one irrefutable conclusion, which is that these twats – meaning everybody – should never be asked their opinion on anything, ever again.”