'F**k the Tories' is impartial, say experts

EXPERTS have agreed that Channel 4 news presenter Jon Snow shouting ‘Fuck the Tories’ at Glastonbury counts as an impartial, middle-ground statement these days. 

The presenter, who has admitted having no idea whether he made the remark or not, has faced accusations of bias from the right.

But political scientist Dr Mary Fisher said: “If anything he’s trying too hard to be neutral.

“From the hardline right to the anarchist left, ‘Fuck the Tories’ is actually the one sentiment we can all agree with, anodyne though it is.

“It’s one of those things like ‘why can’t we all be nicer to each other?’ in that it’s so wishy-washy that you can’t imagine it offending anybody unless they really try.

“I know that most Tory MPs have adopted it as their go-to phrase for when they’re at work. Especially if they’re in the cabinet.”

Snow said: “It’s actually just the opening line of a whole ‘Fuck the Tories’ rap myself and Cathy Newman wrote to the tune of NWA’s Fuck tha Police. 

“We’ll be performing it at this year’s Children in Need.

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Britain breathes sigh of relief as quick-thinking May narrowly averts public sector pay disaster

THERESA May has saved Britain once again by acting decisively to rescue the country from the threatened catastrophe of firefighters being paid more. 

The lionhearted prime minister defied the Labour opposition, public sentiment and even turncoats within her own party to stop the one per cent pay freeze which stands between the UK and utter ruin being smashed to smithereens.

A relieved Nathan Muir, from Hitchin, said: “Thank God. Thank God there are still some heroes.

“This country was in real danger of nurses, police, soldiers, firefighters and even teachers receiving pay rises in line with inflation. I don’t think people realised how close we came.

“But Theresa, like St George facing the dragon, like Churchill at Dunkirk, never wavered. She knew in her heart what was right and, though she stared into the jaws of disaster, she did not give an inch.

“She knew that, especially after the £1.5 billion granted to Northern Ireland, this was a price Britain could not afford to pay. And she won, and saved us all.”

A modest May said: “There’s no need to thank me. Though a parade would be nice.”