James Bond's not real, and five other things MI5 can't tell Priti Patel

MI5 insiders have admitted withholding information from home secretary Priti Patel. What aren’t they telling her? 

James Bond’s not real

MI5 did originally tell Patel that James Bond was fictional, several times, only for her to tap her nose knowingly and wink to show she was in on the pretence. So now when she says ‘No need to be coy, I know which agent did this’ they say nothing.

Mossad aren’t our friends

Noted Israelophile Patel spent her tour of MI5’s HQ asking where Mossad sit, when she could meet Mossad, and if she could get security clearances for a lovely couple from Mossad she met on holiday. Nobody mentions the words ‘hostile foreign power’.

Russia interferes in elections

Patel has explained that Russia cannot have influenced British or US elections because the good guys won. Intelligence which shows how Venezuela helped Labour hold an improbable 203 seats has been made top priority.

They can’t just assassinate people at will

Every night before bed, Priti emails the day’s kill orders to MI5. Assasination requests over the last 72 days include Jeremy Corbyn, Gary Lineker, Paloma Faith, Dominic Raab, Emmanuel Macron and Caprice.

That there are far-right white terrorists

The home secretary does not believe in the existence of a far-right white terrorism threat because it implies that decades of racist rhetoric has consequences. No such suspects should be arrested because it would embarrass her.

She’s on their watch list

As an ethnic Indian known for her violent rages against government employees, Patel has been on the terrorism watch list since 2012. Nobody is willing to take her off just yet.

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Man attempts playdate and f**ks it up

A MAN attempting to host a playdate without being aware of its highly complex social nuances has predictably f**ked it right up. 

Tom Booker invited two of his daughter’s friends and their parents around for a playdate without any knowledge of the etiquette involved.

Guest Joanna Kramer said: “First he didn’t apologise for what a mess the place was, and second the place was actually messy. That’s the two opening rules of playdates violated right there.

“When the older kids disappeared upstairs he didn’t shout ‘Alright up there?’ every five minutes to show he was still concerned about their wellbeing.

“And when he suggested putting a film on he didn’t say it in a hushed, guilty tone as if it was a special exception rather than standard child-silencing practice.

“Then he served pasta, not Margarita pizza with cherry tomatoes and cucumber sticks on the side to show that you know about vitamins. Which is the only meal allowable.”

Booker said: “Apparently I also made the mistake of, when asked ‘where’s your bin?’ of pointing out the bin, rather than taking the half-chewed breadstick and putting it in the bin. Strangers have seen our bin. My wife is mortified.”