Friday, 10th July 2020

James Bond's not real, and five other things MI5 can't tell Priti Patel

MI5 insiders have admitted withholding information from home secretary Priti Patel. What aren’t they telling her? 

James Bond’s not real

MI5 did originally tell Patel that James Bond was fictional, several times, only for her to tap her nose knowingly and wink to show she was in on the pretence. So now when she says ‘No need to be coy, I know which agent did this’ they say nothing.

Mossad aren’t our friends

Noted Israelophile Patel spent her tour of MI5’s HQ asking where Mossad sit, when she could meet Mossad, and if she could get security clearances for a lovely couple from Mossad she met on holiday. Nobody mentions the words ‘hostile foreign power’.

Russia interferes in elections

Patel has explained that Russia cannot have influenced British or US elections because the good guys won. Intelligence which shows how Venezuela helped Labour hold an improbable 203 seats has been made top priority.

They can’t just assassinate people at will

Every night before bed, Priti emails the day’s kill orders to MI5. Assasination requests over the last 72 days include Jeremy Corbyn, Gary Lineker, Paloma Faith, Dominic Raab, Emmanuel Macron and Caprice.

That there are far-right white terrorists

The home secretary does not believe in the existence of a far-right white terrorism threat because it implies that decades of racist rhetoric has consequences. No such suspects should be arrested because it would embarrass her.

She’s on their watch list

As an ethnic Indian known for her violent rages against government employees, Patel has been on the terrorism watch list since 2012. Nobody is willing to take her off just yet.