Jogger 'stable' after brushing against toxic amphibian

THE jogger who triggered David Cameron’s poison glands is being cared for at home by relatives.

Preys on fish and small mammals

28-year-old Dean Farley is bed-bound with delirium after brushing against the potentially deadly prime minister.

Biologist Emma Bradford said: “Cameron’s natural defence mechanism is a layer of toxin-tipped spines beneath his salmon-coloured epidermis. Unexpected contact causes them to momentarily protrude, delivering a dose of poison powerful enough to kill a bear.

“It’s a trait evolved by his toad-like ancestors in the Amazon basin, who lived in riverbank mud burrows until 15 years ago.”

Farley’s neighbour Wayne Hayes said: “He’s still numb all down his side and can see chittering needle-fanged creatures on the periphery of his vision.”

Security for the prime minister is to be reviewed, with a specially-modified Zorb sphere being constructed for public engagements. A small hole in the sphere will allow him to sign trade agreements and point his finger to emphasise things during speeches.

Bodyguard Nikki Hollis said: “People think Cameron’s security detail are there to protect him from the public but it’s the other way around.

“The consequences of him kissing a baby or shaking hands with a pensioner don’t bear thinking about.”

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Children raise half-term bribe level

THE UK’s children have increased their price for not being little bastards during half-term.

Fuck you, pay me

Pre-adolescents are still open to offers of sweets, cinema visits, toys or their cash equivalent but indicated that times have changed since last year.

Eight-year-old Helen Archer said: “You think we’re gonna be bought off by a trip to soft play? My friend, I just doubled my price.

“Try soft play and a blue slushie and a balloon and we’re still just getting started.

“You give with the goods and maybe, maybe you don’t find a horse’s head in your bed tomorrow, and maybe that horse isn’t Rainbow Dash and you won’t be playing My Little Pony at 5.30am.


The children have warned that offers of fruit, craft sessions at the library or educational play with wooden toys will be taken as a declaration of war.

Parenting organisations have cautioned that paying blackmailers only escalates demand, with a handful of Star Mix on Monday inevitably leading to a Wii U by the end of the week.

Mother of three Mary Fisher said: “They’re already bleeding me white, and now they want more?

“Okay, okay, I’ll remortgage the house, I’ll do anything. Just please stop screaming.”