Jubilant Corbyn celebrates defeat by an idiot

LABOUR leader Jeremy Corbyn has congratulated himself after being beaten by a political idiot.

Corbyn insisted that ‘nothing could stop him now’ and it was only a matter of time before he was defeated by whichever monumental cretin the Tories choose next.

He said: “I am very confident that I can now be beaten by a classic British idiot like Boris Johnson, or even someone as utterly moronic and dreadful as Andrea Leadsom.

“If the Tories are stupid enough to choose a dimwit like Liam Fox or David Davies then I can promise them both a reasonable level of victory.”

Calling for the current idiot to resign, he added: “The great test of a non-idiot politician is not just to beat me, but to beat the absolute living shit out of me.

“I win.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Please stay while we savour your humiliation, Britain tells May

THE UK has ordered Theresa May to remain in position for a few weeks so it can relish her humiliation. 

The prime minister, whose 2017 election gambit is expected to replace the Titanic as a popular metaphor for hubris, has been told to stick around so we can see the pain in her eyes.

Voter Julian Cook, from Canterbury, said: “She’s not allowed to resign. Not until I’ve drunk my fill.

“She still has to do all her normal jobs but just with that beautifully broken body language. Maybe a tremor in her voice and a bit of a shuffly walk.

“There has to be at least one big address to the nation where she says ‘strong and stable’ and then flinches in self-inflicted pain, all arrogance turned to ashes.”

Jane Thomson, from Stevenage, added: “Just imagine her in those Europe meetings, with the self-loathing smile of a sacked headteacher forced to return to the school as supply the very next term.

“I’m going to love this. She could do the full five years for me.”