Just f**k off out of it, May tells voters

THERESA May has told Britain’s electorate that her deal with the DUP is none of their fucking business.

The prime minister has demanded an immediate cessation to media coverage, public speculation and political debate about the deal, which is completely normal and not a problem.

She said: “There is no ‘subversion of parliamentary democracy’ – whatever that means – so just shut it.

“I, personally, am definitely not humiliated in any way by having to kowtow to a fundamentalist creep when I was expecting to be crowned eternal queen, so that’s another good reason to never mention it again.

“This is grown-up business conducted behind closed doors that only affects marginal issues like your job, house, family and health, so it’s nothing to do with you. Wind your fucking necks in.”

May added: “Also, you can stop asking what kind of Brexit you’ll get. You’ll get the Brexit you’re given. And like it.”

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Office like one big family where everyone hates each other

AN OFFICE has been compared to a family where everyone detests each other and fights all the time.  

Staff at marketing firm Clarke & Wallace consider themselves not just workmates, but blood relations who resent each others’ successes and nurse grudges for years over tiny slights.

Account executive Eleanor Shaw said: “My colleague Martin is like a brother to me, in that he constantly takes my stuff without asking and bullies me when he thinks he can get away with it.

“Everyone thinks of Carolyn who runs HR as the office mum, because she drinks too much, doesn’t understand technology, and blatantly has her favourites.

“And Roy from accounts is always staring at my chest, like a creepy uncle.

“We all think we’re too good to be here but here we all are, tied together for life. It’s what family is all about.”

HR manager Carolyn Ryan said: “They’re all bastards but they’re my bastards and I love them.

“No I don’t. I hate them.”