I love money, confirms Queen

THE best thing about being monarch is the huge amount of money you get, the Queen has confirmed.

With her income set to increase by eight percent next year, the Queen said she planned to continue having an absolutely brilliant time.

A Buckingham Palace spokesman said: “When the Crown Estates accountants presented the latest figures she just put her head back and started laughing quietly to herself.

“Then she smiled and shook her head and said, ’82 million quid a year – it just keeps getting better, doesn’t it?’.”

The spokesman added: “Then she got a list out of her handbag and started going through it.

“First thing she asked was, ‘can I get loads more horses?’ and then ‘what about two really big helicopters – a blue one and a red one?’ Then she announced that she was going to order the longest table in the world.

“When the accountants said that was all fine she just nodded and said ‘nice’.”

It is understood the Queen later telephoned King Felipe of Spain, said ’82 million’ and then hung up on him.

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Because I’m worth it, says May

THERESA May has confirmed that a supremely skilled politician like herself is easily worth £1 billion. 

The prime minister told Britain she is a strong, confident woman who will not allow anyone to bring her down, and that the cost of keeping her in power is irrelevant.

She continued: “I believe in myself, and that means I can do anything. Literally anything.

“What does a billion pounds buy? 35,000 junior doctors or primary school teachers? Or a prime minister of unparalleled talent and achievements who will double this country’s income in two years?

“There is no other politician capable of the kind of dazzling, visionary moves I can pull off. No other world leader who commands such absolute respect.

“Like the transfer fee for Ronaldo, this may seem steep now but in years to come will be recognised as an unbelievable bargain. You’d pay twice as much.”

May added: “Now come on. We’ve got a country to fix. What should I cut first?”