Labour manifesto pledges to restore Tom Baker as Doctor Who

LABOUR’S manifesto promises to reverse decades of free-market mismanagement and return Tom Baker to his rightful position as Doctor Who. 

The leaked manifesto claims the ‘Thatcherite’ Peter Davison era was a ‘betrayal of the working classes’, and that it, and all subsequent incarnations, would be declared invalid.

Jeremy Corbyn said: “There has only ever been one, true Doctor Who and we all know it.

“We will restore that Doctor, his jelly babies and his scarf, in adventures of four half-hour episodes where a man-in-a-suit monster is revealed only at the very end of the first.

“There will be regular battles with the Daleks and none of this modern focus on the ramifications of time travel.”

43-year-old Nathan Muir said: “I’ve been a free-market Tory all my voting life, but God help me, the man’s right.

“If he pledges to bring the cute Romana back as well it’s going to be a landslide.”

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Man pretending he won't just order the burger

A MAN is studying a menu and making inane comments in a bid to convince his fellow diners that he might ordering anything but a burger.

Tom Logan has ordered a burger on each of the last 34 occasions he has eaten out, but seems intent on maintaining the charade that he could be more adventurous.

Fellow diner Emma Bradford said: “It’s embarrassing to hear Tom try and sound like a discerning gourmand and make out he’s tempted by the spinach and mushroom gnocchi. He pronounces it ‘gunoki’.

“He’ll eulogise about pan-fried haddock, even though I’m sure he’s never eaten a fish in his life. I wouldn’t even put it past him to ask the waiter what the soup of the day is, and then furrow his brow in contemplation.”

She added: “Then he’ll casually mention that the burger actually sounds quite good, as if it’s the first time he’s ever heard of the concept of putting meat in a bun.”

After wolfing down his cheeseburger Logan will then gently enquire as to whether anyone might have dessert.

Bradford said: “He’ll act as if he’s trying to gather support for a coup d’etat. But we all know he’s going to have sticky toffee pudding even if he has to sit there and eat it on his own.”