May pledges free vote on vicars cycling past village greens while cricketers hit sixes into cloudless skies

THERESA May has promised MPs a free vote on the ‘nation-defining’ issue of whether vicars can still greet policemen while cycling past village greens at sunset. 

The prime minister pledged to allow a frank and open debate about whether tea should still be served on manicured lawns to retired army officers who write to the local newspaper.

She said: “Unlike Labour, my team still believe in schoolchildren in caps and short trousers scrumping apples while accompanied by a scruffy but sweet-natured dog.

“There will be a free vote on whether bobbies on the beat should continue good-naturedly tousling the hair of youngsters while bidding the town’s spinster librarian a fine evening.

“Would Jeremy Corbyn allow his party to vote in favour of warm ale drunk to the reassuring jingle of Morris men dancing? Certainly he hasn’t said so.”

Voter Norman Steele said: “Finally, a prime minister not afraid of the real issues confronting our nation in the 21st century.”

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Up-itself boutique gives final warning to friendly, helpful sales assistant

A SALES assistant who does not judge her customers has been given a final warning by a pretentious clothes shop.

Jessica Thomson, who works at Wrak in west London, has been told to stop being unfailingly polite and eager to please in a bid to make people feel valued and welcome.

Shop manager Max Roberts said: “Jessica has been told repeatedly that the customer must be made to feel like a disgusting sack of meat, unworthy of our beautiful clothes.

“The confidence-crushing stress of the customer experience is essential, otherwise people might start questioning the idea of paying £300 for a skirt.”

Thomson admitted she is struggling to develop the requisite air of superiority and indifference.

She said: “I’m paid so badly that Pot Noodle is something of a luxury. I couldn’t afford this stuff if I saved up for years, so I’m in no position to judge anyone.”