Labour Manifesto To Focus On Bullying Injured Soldiers

GORDON Brown is pinning Labour's re-election hopes on a strategy of dragging injured soldiers through the courts and trying to steal their money.

The prime minster has instructed the Ministry of Defence to make wounded servicemen beg for compensation in a move that he believes will wrong-foot the Tories and secure millions of votes across middle England.

A Labour spokesman said: "If there is one thing this country is absolutely sick of it is lazy, horribly injured soldiers lying around doing nothing all day except suffering constant pain and terrifying flashbacks.

"I think most people will be shocked to learn we have given them any money, let alone just enough for them to begin rebuilding their shattered lives.

"This is money that could be used to provide high-class prostitutes and Wii games for those unfortunate teenage boys who found themselves in a young offenders' institute after being forced to break into your house."

He added: "Everyone knows that when you join the army you can either choose to go to war or you can choose to stay at home and provide back-up in case of a fire brigade strike.

"And even if you do go to war you are under no legal requirement to follow orders, especially if they are really stupid and badly thought out."

The Labour manifesto is likely to propose a programme of ritual humiliation for injured soldiers in what opposition parties condemned as 'naked populism of the worst kind'.

The spokesman said: "We'll give you a couple of grand for a severed leg, but you are going to have to bring the leg with you, re-enact the explosion and be judged by a panel of celebrities before we write the cheque."

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British Guy Did Not Win Tour De France

THE British cyclist who crossed the line first in Paris yesterday did not win the Tour de France, experts stressed last night.

Across Britain viewers cheered and shouted 'up yours you froggy bastards' as Mark Cavendish sprinted ahead of the pack, only to discover that he actually came 131st.

Margaret Gerving, from Guildford, said: "Oh. Really? But I thought… really? How?"

Tom Logan, from Newark, added: "What the hell are you talking about?"

Cycling analyst Wayne Hayes explained that the race has actually been going on for about eight months, taking in 14 different countries and involving a complicated series of time trials and going up very steep hills really slowly.

He said: "Mark Cavendish won 10 of the 198 stages but lost a lot of time because he kept coming to a complete standstill and then falling over halfway up a mountain."

According to Hayes the winner was the person who finished all the little bits put together in the shortest time without taking an elaborate cocktail of steroids disguised as a tub of Petit Filou.

He added: "The winner now has to wear a yellow jersey for a whole year, although it's not really a jersey, it's more of a zip-up lycra cardigan on backwards."

Earlier Italian cyclist Franco Pellizotti was crowned King of the Mountains, Britain's Bradley Wiggins was King of the Fields and Streams, and Hanuman, the Hindu demi-god, was named King of the Monkeys.

American Lance Armstrong put in a stunning performance at the age of 37 to finish third, with many saying he would have won for a record 36th time if his bicycle did not have cancer.

The race was won by some Spanish chap called Juan, or possibly 'Manuel'.