GORDON Brown is pinning Labour's re-election hopes on a strategy of dragging injured soldiers through the courts and trying to steal their money.
The prime minster has instructed the Ministry of Defence to make wounded servicemen beg for compensation in a move that he believes will wrong-foot the Tories and secure millions of votes across middle England.
A Labour spokesman said: "If there is one thing this country is absolutely sick of it is lazy, horribly injured soldiers lying around doing nothing all day except suffering constant pain and terrifying flashbacks.
"I think most people will be shocked to learn we have given them any money, let alone just enough for them to begin rebuilding their shattered lives.
"This is money that could be used to provide high-class prostitutes and Wii games for those unfortunate teenage boys who found themselves in a young offenders' institute after being forced to break into your house."
He added: "Everyone knows that when you join the army you can either choose to go to war or you can choose to stay at home and provide back-up in case of a fire brigade strike.
"And even if you do go to war you are under no legal requirement to follow orders, especially if they are really stupid and badly thought out."
The Labour manifesto is likely to propose a programme of ritual humiliation for injured soldiers in what opposition parties condemned as 'naked populism of the worst kind'.
The spokesman said: "We'll give you a couple of grand for a severed leg, but you are going to have to bring the leg with you, re-enact the explosion and be judged by a panel of celebrities before we write the cheque."