Labour rejects votes from people who can't pronounce ‘quinoa’

LABOUR has rejected thousands of leadership votes from people who are insufficiently aspirational.

Labour officials, determined to stop a Jeremy Corbyn victory, have launched ‘Operation Quinoa’ to root out poor, working class people unable to pronounce the name of the Peruvian superfood.

Nikki Hollis, who joined the party last month, said: “I got a call from Labour HQ asking if I’d ever been to a farmers’ market and, if so, did I buy a particular grain that is grown in the Andes.

“I said no I hadn’t as I’m on a low income and farmers’ markets are designed to take advantage of simpering, middle class fucknuts with more money than sense. That did not go down well.”

Hollis added: “They said that unfortunately my vote wouldn’t count but that I could vote in a future contest if I make some important changes to my lifestyle and personality.”

A senior Labour source said: “We’re just trying to take our party back from working class people and their big, greasy hands.

“One of them pronounced it ‘kwang-woo’.”

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Middle class cocaine to come with lies about ethical origin

COCAINE sold to middle class people is to come with some blurb about being made by an ecologically-minded cartel that funds community projects.

Admit growing bourgeois concern about whether their drugs are fairly traded, dealers announced that wraps would carry a short, chatty paragraph about a Mexican syndicate that pays its workers fairly and has a canteen with a ping pong table.

Cocaine dealer Wayne Hayes said: “It’s just some bullshit about ‘Los Hombres Organicos’ and how ‘we’re different to other organised crime syndicates and have a holistic approach to staff training’.

“I’ve never met the higher-ups who make the gak that I sell, but I’m fairly sure they wear boots of human skin.

“Whatever, there’s a picture of some village kids smiling and a phone number to ring ‘for a chat’, it’s enough to keep all those middle class clients that I loathe off my back.”

Film producer Norman Steele said: “I shop ethically, so for me using coke has always been a moral grey area.

“It’s like, I feel a bit bad paying more money than many people earn in a week for a small packet of an ego-boosting chemical produced by murderers. But at the same time, I really want some cocaine.

“So it’s great to have some moral validation, however feeble.”