Labour takes Kensington after high turnout among unemployed steelworkers

LABOUR has taken the west London seat of Kensington amid a high turnout by the constituency’s disgruntled former steelworkers.

As steel plants have closed across the country over the last 30 years, thousands of manual workers have relocated to the leafy London neighbourhood, snapping up five storey town houses with underground carparks.

Bill McKay, who worked at Templeborough Steel Works in South Yorkshire, said: “It’s much nicer than Sheffield. Sometimes I bump into Princess Michael of Kent when I’m on my way to pilates.

“But it was inevitable, as me and all my friends moved into the area, that it would go Labour eventually.

“We’re very loyal to the party even though I have a bowling alley in my basement and I go for picnics with Nigella Lawson.”

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Tories hoping for 'constructive relationship' with creationist homophobes who think Pope is Satan


THE Conservative Party has reassured Britain that the government being propped up by swivel-eyed, religious lunatics is ‘totally fine’.

Ulster’s Democratic Unionist Party was founded in 1971 by the late Ian Paisley while he was stabbing an Action Man he had dressed up as Pope Paul VI.

It is now committed to influencing government policy in a wide range of demented areas.

DUP leader Arlene Foster confirmed the party supported a minority Conservative government on condition that Theresa May stands on a massive orange Bible and denounces Roman Catholicism as ‘Beelzebub’s Travelling Circus’.

She added: “Obviously we’ll also be needing a wee ban on abortion, the gayness, scientists and strong liquor.”

A Downing Street spokesman said: “It’s very important we have a strong and stable government and an orderly Brexit. But don’t worry if it also appears to be completely insane.”