LABOUR have announced their new policy to give all employees shares in the businesses they work for, despise and want to see destroyed.
The scheme would mean that employees now had a personal stake in the success of employers who they constantly cheat and steal from, and has been greeted with widespread revulsion.
Office manager Martin Bishop said: “Own it? I don’t want to own any of this fucking place. Unless I get to burn my bit and urinate on the ashes.
“Motivate me? Christ, the shithead decisions they make now make me absolutely furious. Imagine how much more angry I’ll be when they’re doing it to my bloody company.”
Barista Carolyn Ryan agreed: “So when I spend half-an-hour closing up unpaid that’s… good? Because the company makes more money and I’m the company?
“I can’t go down that road. Before you know it I’ll be deliberately getting customers’ names right. And their orders.
“Better we keep our relationship of mutual loathing and exploitation the way it is. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to break the expresso machine.”