Labour U-Turn On Punching Poor People In The Face

LABOUR backbenchers last night convinced the government not to go out and just start punching poor people in the face.

Ministers had planned to spend the summer wandering around shopping centres in gangs while launching viscious, unprovoked attacks on low paid workers and single pensioners.
 
But after a day of intense negotiations with rebel MPs the prime mininster agreed to a deal which will require poor people to apply for a special badge, giving them partial immunity from a ministerial kicking.

Gordon Brown said last night: "While we have abolished the right not to be punched in the face, we have set up a simple system whereby you will avoid a thumping if you fill in a series of forms, attach proof of income, a four leaf clover and a unicorn's eyelash."

The prime minister added: "I can understand my colleagues' concern, but this policy has always been about helping poor people. Sure, it's about helping them get punched in the face, but isn't that what we've been saying all along?"

He added: "Some colleagues may feel this is out of step with Labour principles, but I would remind them that Keir Hardie loved nothing more than cycling down a Glasgow street, swinging his cricket bat at hungry children."

The reforms will be steered through the Commons by chancellor Alistair Darling who has spent the last two days begging fellow cabinet ministers to smother him with a pillow.

 

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New Uniform Will Turn My Life Around, Says Tearful Mcdonald's Worker

A NEW designer uniform is going to generate the most amazing improvement in overall quality of life, grateful McDonald's workers said last night. 

Nikki Hollis, a flipper from Harlesden, said she was so happy with her new smock and little scarf that she could not wait to get home to her bedsit and show it off to her three year-old son Kyle.

She said the Bruce Oldfield designed outfits would  make her the envy of all her friends, and brought home to her, once again, McDonald's high level of respect for its staff.

"As you can see it's 'mocha' which is all the rage in Milan this season. As soon as I slip these manmade fibres over my head I feel just like Sienna Miller on a night out in Malibu.

"Kyle may not have any toys, and be a bit stunted, but at least I've got something all scratchy to wrap him in when the electricity gets turned off. I think I'll change his name to Bruce."

Hollis added: "I suppose it might have been nice if they'd used the money to give us a pay rise, but it's okay because we already get to help ourselves from the leftover bucket."

Tom Logan, a fryer from Kent, said his new polo shirt was sexy and stylish, thanks to the thin coating of hi-tech spittle repellent.

He added: "We're so pleased with our uniforms we've composed a little thank-you song for the management. Would you like to hear it?"