System No Longer Works, Confirms UN

THE socio-economic system which has governed much of the globe for over a century finally stopped working at around 9pm last night, the United Nations has confirmed.

UN secretary general Ban Ki-moon made the announcement as retail giant Wal-Mart stopped Americans from buying rice and the cost of butter in British supermarkets reached 94p.

With poor people in fertile countries rioting because they could not afford to eat the food they had just grown, the UN chief said it was time for him to hide in a cupboard.

He added: “As of this moment, free markets, capitalism and the rule of law are – oh, how should I put this? – fucked into a cocked hat.

“We’re planting crops for fuel instead of food in order to make it cheaper to drive to the shops where we then buy food that is much more expensive because we’ve planted crops for fuel instead of food. You can see where I’m going with this, right?

“Meanwhile, the banks are borrowing money from taxpayers so that they can then lend the same money back to the taxpayers at a higer rate of interest than they borrowed it from them in the first place. Seriously, is it just me?

“Anyway, point is, we’re a bit stumped. The communist one doesn’t work either – in fact it’s probably even worse, and you just end up queuing to buy matches and soap and huddling around oil drums, swigging home made vodka and smoking pathetic, little fags made out of hedge clippings.

“So, if anyone does have any spare systems lying around that they’re not using, please do email me at [email protected].”

Wayne Hayes, a shopper from Gloucester, said: “I don’t know nothing about systems, all I know is I just paid 94p for some butter. What the fuck is that about?”

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Eating Special 'K' Linked To Girly Boys

WOMEN who eat Special 'K' around the time of conception are more likely to have a boy, but it will be a girly boy, according to new research.

Scientists claim the low calorie breakfast cereal can influence the chance of having a boy who enjoys musicals or, if it is mixed with strawberries, a girl who enjoys other girls.

Dr Tom Logan, of the Institute for Studies, said: "We discovered that more than 60% of those who conceived with Special 'K' are now either managing their son's career or helping him sew on the extra sequins."

Meanwhile the study found that women who want to have rugged male children must devour large handfuls of dry porridge while having sex in the back of a Land Rover.

Dr Logan added: "Alpen tends to produce those weedy, self- absorbed types whose band will never get a record deal.

"Frosties and Cocopops produce the kind of boys who are well meaning but wear colourful socks, know all the words to Bat Out of Hell and have to be told when to leave.

"Weetabix, Cheerios and Crunchy Nut Cornflakes will produce healthy, intelligent high-flyers whose only flaw is to be thrashed twice a week by a gang of Nazi whores.

"And if you eat a lot of Shredded Wheat, you'll end up with what is, basically, Alistair Darling."