Labour unveils plan to stay in EU but be a bit arsey about it

LABOUR’S Brexit strategy is to stay in the EU but in a really grudging way and moan all the time, the party has announced.

The policy aims to prevent the harmful economic effects of Brexit while also appeasing those who hate the EU or simply enjoy complaining about foreigners.

Shadow Brexit secretary Keir Starmer said: “Our vision of Brexit is a productive, mutually respectful relationship with our European partners. God, I hate those bastards. Have you ever owned a Citroen? They’re shit.

“You know I have to keep going to all these meetings bloody miles away in Europe where you can’t even get a proper Wetherspoons breakfast with a pint of Old Peculiar?

“We’re delighted to continue to benefit from many billions of pounds of frictionless trade. It would be nice if they’d sort out more lucrative international deals for us, but that’s lazy continentals for you.”

European Council president Donald Tusk said: “So Britain’s plan is to remain in the EU while being whiny fuckers about everything? Great to have you guys back!”

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Northern dad pretends he forgot son asked for glass of wine in local pub

A NORTHERN Dad has pretended he forgot that his son asked for a glass of red wine in their local pub and just bought him a pint instead.

Bill McKay took his son Paul out for a drink to his local after Paul came back home from ‘the South’ for the weekend.

Bill McKay said: “I did clearly hear him say, ‘I’ll have a large glass of red please, Dad’.

“But for some reason when Norman, the landlord asked me what I was having I said, ‘two pints of usual please, Gary’.

“Then when I took them back to our table I had to go, ‘Oh, you asked for a wine, didn’t you? I’m sure I’m getting bleedin’ dementia or something’.

“I know he didn’t believe me but I’m pretty sure he enjoyed both the pint and not embarrassing me.”