Lib Dem leadership race between someone you’ve never heard of and two-thirds of a fart

TWO frontrunners have emerged in what is expected to be the most exciting Lib Dem leadership contest since William Gladstone defeated Florence Nightingale in 1865.

With former leader Tim Farron quitting because people have sex, speculation is now rife over who could fill his comfortable, wipe-clean shoes.

Stephen Malley, a Lib Dem voter, said: “Both candidates seem perfect. The guy you’ve never heard of is like the physical embodiment of a Richard Curtis film.

“Meanwhile the two-thirds of a fart is some gas that’s determined to reverse Brexit.”

Other candidates include the oldest man in the world, a corduroy beanbag and a homemade quiche.

It is expected to be a more dramatic contest than 2015 when Tim Farron defeated a child’s drawing of some wool and an inch of tepid milk in the bottom of a cereal bowl.

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UK would back full communism if it provided air conditioning

THE UK would embrace common ownership of the means of production if it meant decent air-conditioning.

Communist support has surged after it emerged that in Vietnam every building has aircon, a fridge with an ice dispenser and government-issued Soleros.

Newly converted Leninist Wayne Hayes said: “Under the dictatorship of the proletariat, ice-blended cocktails will be every citizen’s birthright and the bourgeoisie will be forced to give their handheld battery-powered fans to the working class.

“You can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs, nor can you have a Nobbly Bobbly without seizing the levers of the state.”

Hayes’ boss, Helen Archer, said: “Idiocy. The invisible hand of the market will keep everyone at the right temperature to be productive without state interference.

“Shut up and drink this small cup of tepid water.”