Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Jupiter is going to pass very close to Venus in the night sky this week and as they draw level you swear you hear them say something about your fat arse.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
After being asked to use up your annual leave before April, you decide to take it in unplanned 15 minute sections whenever you are asked to do anything.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You try and increase your daily portions of fruit and veg this week by switching from mustard to ketchup on your deep-fried pork tubes.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
A testing time for your faith as Jesus resurrects himself again, asks the Pope if he’s some kind of fucking arsehole and tells everyone to have anal sex.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Why not do something special this mother’s day, like not looking at your watch all the time during your nine-minute visit to the nursing home?
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
The first trembling green buds on the trees, the faint scent in the air and sense of new beginnings all point to the fact that spring is here. The fact you’ve had an erection for five days straight is an additional clue.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week you join a protest against the closure of a local A&E ward because nowhere else has the right flavour alcoholic hand gel.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Giant steps are what you take walking on the moon. I hope my leg don’t break walking on the moon. And that, gentlemen, is why I think I would be perfect for the role of chief researcher here at NASA.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
People can show a real lack of empathy and understanding about dyslexia sufferers, especially when it’s the type that’s completely made up.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you deliberately contract a serious illness so you can enjoy the benefits of the NHS while it still exists and anyway, a bout of cholera can make it sound like you’ve been somewhere fancy.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Less than 140 days until the Olympics are here and you can start complaining that there’s fuck all on the telly.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you spice up the presentation for your company’s quarterly financial report by adding slides of William Blake paintings, wearing a stocking over your head and repeatedly saying “Do you see?” in an upper-class accent.