Magic Money Tree false but Enchanted Brexit Fountain real

THERE is no such thing as a Magic Money Tree, believers in the Enchanted Brexit Fountain of Prosperity have told Jeremy Corbyn. 

The Labour leader’s fantasy of a tree with banknote leaves is childish nonsense and must be rejected in favour of a red, white and blue fountain whose inexhaustible waters imbue greatness, say voters.

Roy Hobbs of Hythe said: “Pluck off the low-hanging £50s, leave the tenners to ripen, all our public services are paid for. It’d be lovely to believe it but, Jeremy, I’m too old for fairy stories.

“We’ve got to be practical. And in two years, when we drink deep of the blessed waters that run from the golden lion’s mouth, waters that will revive our industries and turn the world map pink again, we’ll be glad we did the sensible thing.

“Sprinkle a few drops here and whoosh, British Leyland’s cars are the envy of the globe. A draught there and Carry On is beating Marvel at the global box office.

“Come on, lad. Now’s not the time for dreamers. Come and join the rest of us in the real world.”

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We’ve been hurt so bad before, voters tell polls

THE UK electorate wants to trust but is still carrying emotional baggage from its bad experiences with polls in the past, it has admitted.

Voters confessed that though they find polls showing the Conservatives losing ground incredibly attractive, they have been hurt too many times to allow themselves to hope.

Emma Bradshaw of Chester said: “It’s not fair to tar them all with the same brush, but I’ve had my heart broken in the past by lying, two-faced polls and I can’t let it happen again.

“I said that after 2015, then only last summer I was seduced by Brexit polls that told me everything would be okay, but brutally stamped all over my feelings just as I was starting to think there might be a future.

“I was devastated but didn’t learn my lesson and threw myself into the arms of the American presidential election polls, which seemed so reliable but turned out to be the same as all the rest.

“I swore off polls for a while but these new ones are just so bloody sexy that I want to believe all of their whispered promises. I want to hope again.

“And who knows? Maybe this poll is The One.”