Trump pulls out of 21st century

DONALD Trump has pulled the US out of the liberal consensus of having a ‘2’ at the beginning of the year. 

The president has announced that there is no evidence for the ‘chronological conspiracy’ that time moves forward, and that it runs counter to his aim of making America great again.

He continued: “The greatest years in American history? 1969, the moon landing. 1988, we won the war on drugs. 1946, Trump was born.

“Notice what they’ve got in common? You got it, folks. That ‘19’. That beautiful little ‘19’.

“People – losers, haters, really horrible people – say those ‘19’ days are over. That they’re in the past. That this whole ‘20’ thing that they have going on now is how it has to be.

“Well, we have the best scientists on earth here in America, really tremendous. And let me tell you, they’re gonna turn this thing around so fast it’ll make your head spin. Believe me.”

78-year-old Trump voter Wayne Hayes said: “Finally, a politician that delivers on his promises. Ah’m gonna be young again.”

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Corbyn probably related to Guy Fawkes or something

JEREMY Corbyn is probably a distant relative of Guy Fawkes, it has been claimed.

A Daily Mail source said: “Corbyn’s great-great-grand-auntie was possibly a prostitute called ‘Fat Ida’ who possibly slept with someone called Fawkes at some point.

It could be bollocks. But it might not be.

Look at a photo of  Corbyn, and then look at a woodcut of Guy Fawkes. Both thin, bearded, and they’ve got the same skull shape.

“We know about those kind of genetic specifications in people. In fact we have a chart called ‘Criminal Head Shapes’ on the office wall.”