Thursday, 15th April 2021

Man who can't stop talking boll*cks clearly ideal for Brexit negotiations

BORIS Johnson’s incessant flow of bullsh*t is perfect for Brexit negotiations, it has been claimed.

Tory MPs are sure Johnson will not only entertain everyone during long meetings, but also help secure a good deal by reminding foreigners the British are superior.

Former Brexit minister David Davis said: “Boris livens up meetings by saying hilarious yet tactful stuff like ‘No need for Gestapo tactics, Angela!’

“Cowardly Italians, sexy Scandinavians, oversexed Frenchmen - the zingers just keep coming. Also he really knows his history so he can effortlessly throw in a joke about Agincourt or Waterloo.

“Once he ran around for 12 minutes pretending to be a Lancaster bomber attacking Dresden.

“The war jokes will remind them Britain always wins so they may as well give in. There’s no way they’ll just get pissed off and stick massive tariffs on everything.”

Johnson said: “I’m looking forward to hammering out a deal with the EU with lots of jibes about ‘collaborating’ and ‘blitzing it’, plus some other remarks about things like 'soggy biscuit' that only make sense if you attended a British public school.

“It definitely doesn’t make me look like some insufferable sixth-form tw*t who thinks he’s being desperately edgy.”