Massive wolf coming to eat all our sheep, warns Cameron

BRITAIN’S flocks are at risk of being devastated by an enormous wolf, David Cameron has warned.

The prime minister came running in from the grassy hillock where he sits keeping watch over the country, breathlessly warning of the huge carnivore which only he has seen.

Cameron said: “The wolf is heading toward the UK from Norway, where it’s flattening towns and throwing tanks and fighter planes around like chew toys.

“It’s 50 metres tall and planning to swim across the North Sea and eat all the sheep and then all the people in Britain.

“Luckily I have a plan to defeat it. I’ll need 5,000 pounds of sausages, a helicopter and everyone must vote to stay in the EU, for reasons I’ll explain later.

“I can’t divulge my plan without losing the element of surprise but the wolf will be completely destroyed so there won’t be any pictures or anything.”

MP Boris Johnson said: “We’re far more likely to be attacked by giant radioactive frogs sent by the French.”

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Shit thick internet users puzzled by not particularly hard maths question

INTERNET users have been confused by a maths question from a children’s exam because they are as thick as shit.

The question, which fundamentally asks how many people were on a train before two people got off, went viral because a lot of people are not very bright.

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “Wow this is a real mind bender! I can believe they make kids as young as six do this sort of fairly basic arithmetic.

“It’s no wonder they’re all depressed. This is tougher than the Where’s Wally book with the Eiffel Tower in it.”

Julian Cook, of Swindon, said: “The answer is obviously something incredibly complicated and abstract. I expect all the numbers stand for letters and make up a Latin word, something like that. There’s no way it could just be what it appears to be.”

Engineer Roy Hobbs said: “Although the answer has now been published online, I’ve written a lengthy blog post about how it’s not actually 65 but 491.34 because I am a massive smart arse with no friends and nothing better to think about.

“I get quite aggressive about this sort of thing.”