Dad who was miserable failure with girls forced to give relationship advice

A FATHER who was unable to attract women in his youth is having to advise his son about relationships, it has emerged.

The situation is the result of Tom Logan’s wife believing he had girlfriends as a teenager rather than spending his time reading science fiction and masturbating.

Father-of-two Logan said: “If I base my advice to my son Josh on my own teenage years it would be, ‘Develop a massive crush on the really pretty girl at school, never speak to her and cry for a week when she goes out with one of the cool boys.

“I assume I’m meant to tell Josh to treat girls with respect and not pressure them to have sex. I certainly never did that because they all used to ignore me or call me ‘Egon Spengler’.”

“I told him some drivel about ‘not rushing things’. Even that was bollocks because I’d have instantly shagged anyone who seemed agreeable to it.

15-year-old Josh Logan said: “I thought my dad was a bit of a dweeb, but it turns out he had loads of girlfriends. It must be because he was such a respected dungeon master.”

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Bank of Mum and Dad 'f**kers just like the rest of them'

THE Bank of Mum and Dad is run by total bastards just like all banks, it has emerged.

Despite promoting itself as ethical and playing up the directors’ roles as customers’ parents, the bank has decided to triple its interest rates so that it can buy a new car. 

29-year-old Emma Bradford said: “I took out a £80k loan with the Bank of Mum and Dad because they claimed to be personally interested in my well-being and getting me out of their house.

“But today I’ve got a shitty letter on headed paper saying that my mum wants an extra £200 per month or she’s going to kick my door in and take the fish tank.

“The Bank of Mum and Dad are bigger fuckers than Lloyds and Barclays put together.”

Bradford’s mother Gillian said: “Unfortunately the Bank of Mum and Dad is facing tough trading conditions, partly because of overspend during a recent weekend trip to Swanage steam railway, leaving us will little option but to regretfully pass on some costs to customers.

“Also Emma should not have described Countryfile as ‘sentimental shite’, I love that programme and John Craven is a sex god.”