Britons confirm link between celebrating and going to hospital

WHEN British people celebrate things they usually end up in hospital, it has been confirmed.

Following an influx of dangerously intoxicated humans at Leicester hospital, researchers found that the British style of expressing joy generally ends with some form of emergency medical treatment.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “In America, they celebrate things like sporting or political victories with one small can of diluted lager and some Oreos.

“However, we have a different approach, which involves drinking near-suicidal amounts and then falling off a car.”

Plumber Julian Cooker said: “Every time something good happens, from a football victory or the birth of a child to a reasonable successful trip to Ikea, I go out and drink so much that I nearly die.

“Same if anything bad happens. I think that’s why they started the NHS.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Rock climbers enjoyed excellent weekend of gruelling misery

BRITAIN’S rock climbers had a satisfying weekend of fear and physical discomfort, they have announced.

Climbers have returned to work refreshed after indulging their passion for painstaking safety preparations, extreme physical exertion and psychological stress.

Accountant Tom Logan said: “Last week was really hectic, so the first thing I wanted to do on Saturday was get up at 6am and drive miles so I could haul myself up a vertical surface.

“I’m not sure what I enjoy most about climbing. Checking ropes, nervously looking for things to grab onto, feeling the tendons in your fingers stretch to breaking point – it’s all good.

“When you reach the top you get an incredible sense of still being alive. And your climbing companions will share that feeling, unless you’ve made some terrible mistake and they’re marooned hundreds of feet below on a precipice.”

Office manager Nikki Hollis said: “Rock climbing is the best exercise there is because you’re completely knackered just from putting all your equipment in the car.

“I’d definitely recommend it to anyone who thinks the gym would be more fun if the floor could suddenly disappear leaving a massive, potentially deadly drop covered in sharp hard things.

“There’s a great sense of camaraderie too, because most people don’t have a hobby that’s something most people would only do if trying to escape from a prisoner of war camp.”