May is not unsackable, confirms Boris

THERESA May could well be out of a job soon, Boris Johnson has announced.

Johnson was pressed on the prime minister’s future at the Conservative Party conference, and refused to say she would not soon be leaving Downing Street with her possessions in a cardboard box.

He said: “If anyone is not doing their job well enough, I may have to let them go. 

“Hopefully, it will not be necessary to fire her out of a cannon into the sea, but hopes and dreams doth butter no parsnips.”

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New employee doing some serious arse-licking

A COMPANY’S new recruit is really quite something when it comes to ingratiating himself with bosses, everyone has noticed.

After joining Trident Bathrooms a week ago, marketing assistant Martin Bishop has been finding pointless extra work to do and paying nauseating compliments to managers.

Co-worker Nikki Hollis said: “Martin keeps asking to do things like set up an office suggestions box to ‘improve efficiency’. I’ve got a suggestion – fuck off Martin, you creep.

“What’s worse is his blatant crawling to management. He actually said, ‘If anyone can make the new marketing strategy fly it’s you, Gavin!’.

“I think even his bosses are freaked out by it. I have literally never heard anyone complimented on owning a completely unremarkable rucksack.”

Bishop said: “It’s fantastic to be working for a company with such a great ethos and visionary management.

“There’s nothing weird about constantly praising your boss for his golf handicap. Those tiny little balls must be impossible to hit and the holes are miles away.”

Bishop’s line manager Roy Hobbs said: “Martin is a vile little toady who I have no intention of promoting but it’s good having someone to wash your car in their lunch hour.”