Homeless man knows chat with student will be on Facebook within the hour

A HOMELESS man has confirmed that the brief conversation he had with a well-meaning student will be on Facebook within the hour.

When student Mary Fisher bought rough sleeper Bill McKay a coffee and sat down to talk to him about his life, he knew the conversation would shortly become a status update earning Fisher hundreds of ‘Likes’.

McKay said: “Good on her for buying us a hot drink. Though I did get the sense she was mentally drafting her status update when we were speaking.”

Fisher posted later that day: “Just met the coolest guy ever. And guess what, he was homeless.

“I see old Phil sat by my local Tesco everyday but only today did I think, ‘I need to talk to this guy’.

“He’s so inspiring and has bright sparkly eyes.”

McKay added: “I’d actually like to read what she said about me.

“I tried to add her Facebook but she might not recognise me, as my picture was taken before the government took away the support network that was helping me to keep my head above water.

“And I didn’t have the beard either.”

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Couple 'makes £100k' selling house only to realise they have to buy another one

A COUPLE who made a large profit on their house have realised they now need to buy another one that is equally expensive.

Bath-based money-obsessed dickheads Julian Cook and Mary Fisher recently sold their terraced house for £104k more than they paid for it in 2009.

However the fucking idiots later realised this was largely irrelevant unless they want to be homeless.

Cook said: “We were like ‘a hundred grand, get in!’, I bought a fancy car then we put in a call to our cocaine dealer for a big bag of beak.

“Then Mary pointed out that we didn’t actually have anywhere to sleep that night, because we’d sold our house. What a let-down!”

Fisher said: “We’d been boasting about our massive windfall, until we looked at other houses and realised that they, too, had become dramatically more expensive.

“It’s almost as if the whole house price thing is a massive load of bullshit designed to dupe simple-minded fools who see everything as a commodity.”