May makes generous offer to remain in reality for further two years

THE prime minister has offered to abide by the laws of reality for a further two years while details of the wonderful fantasyland awaiting Britain are negotiated. 

The move is a significant change to previous policy, which had Britain departing from the real world completely in 2019 for a fabulous imaginary realm of prosperity.

In a speech in Florence, May said: “The people of Britain have chosen to live in a magical land where golden apples grow on every tree and it rains champagne, and live in that land we shall.

“But not all of our sugar-spun castles are quite completed yet and the ability to soar in the air free as a bird is still in beta-testing, so we have told reality if we remain part of it until 2021 we will continue to play by its rules.

“In return I have asked the real world to be creative and meet Britons halfway in their desire to turn anything they touch into gold, which they must be granted because they voted for it last year.”

May reiterated that in the long-term Britain will still exit the physical world entirely to exist eternally in the faerie realms, while still taking anything it wants from reality whenever it wants it.

But voter Margaret Gerving said: “She promised no compromises. She’s a bloody traitor.”

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Smokers reclaim rightful ownership of beer gardens

SMOKERS have reclaimed their rightful ownership of all outdoor territory surrounding pubs following a drop in temperature. 

The end of summer means beer gardens have finally banished seasonal interlopers who are only outside because ‘it’s a nice place to be’, leaving al fresco nicotine dens to the hard-bitten ashen-faced addicts they were created for.

Roy Hobbs, a permanent fixture in the garden of the Red Lion in Stoke-on-Trent, said: “Go on, piss off and take your Pimms with you.

“They come out here, invading our domain with their smiles and their cheery conversations and their healthy skin tone. By August you couldn’t move for people drinking gin and tonic and playing Despacito on their phones.

“They didn’t respect our culture of puffing away in near-silence huddled under the heat lamps. They brought kids out here. Kids. Acting like it was made for them, not like Dave only cleared all the barrels and his Rottweiler out of here post-smoking ban.”

Hobbs added: “They’ve buggered off now until at least May. Our kingdom is our own again. Desolate, sunless and empty.

“Ah, that’s a lovely fag.”