May 'shed tear that burned through three floors and an intern'

THERESA May has admitted that the ‘devastating’ election result made her shed a tear which burned through a desk, three floors and an intern.

The tear, which the prime minister said was shed ‘for Britain’, rolled down her face like a bead of liquid mercury and hit the desk with a bang and flash which blinded everybody in the room.

When the smoke cleared, party staff realised from the screams downstairs that it had burned straight through the floor and was causing chaos on the level below.

May said: “It kept slowly burning through carpet, concrete and steel without showing any diminishing of its size or effect. The ceiling tiles looked like a meteor had hit them.

“Luckily on the third floor it landed on an intern and on contact with flesh began to mutate into something new and horrifying, which gave us time to stop it.

“The tear was eventually extracted and is being kept in a secure facility at Porton Down.”

May added: “They believe my little tear could be used to create a new bioweapon which could lay waste to whole continents. Nice one.”

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Two Waitrose shoppers trapped in endless ‘no, after you’ loop

TWO shoppers have become trapped in the doorway of their local Waitrose with both insisting the other goes through first.

The ‘no, after you’ loop involving Jane Thompson and Alice Gerving, is now into its third day at the Peterborough Waitrose, with friends and relatives working in shifts to supply the two women with water and snacks.

Thompson’s friend Janet Armstrong said: “Jane popped into Waitrose to pick up some asparagus and a stone baked rustique loaf. Just as a treat for the kids.

“It was all going incredibly well until she found herself approaching the exit at the same time as another woman. The loop began after approximately 20 seconds and here we are three days later.”

Gerving’s friend Hannah Roberts said: “Alice was raised with exceptional manners. Was she expected to just barge ahead of this woman? Or indeed was the other woman supposed to barge ahead of her?

“Is this a Tesco? Is this France?”

Armstrong added: “It is, of course, all incredibly friendly and good natured. I suspect they will be here until mid-September, which is about average in these situations.”