THERESA May has admitted that the ‘devastating’ election result made her shed a tear which burned through a desk, three floors and an intern.
The tear, which the prime minister said was shed ‘for Britain’, rolled down her face like a bead of liquid mercury and hit the desk with a bang and flash which blinded everybody in the room.
When the smoke cleared, party staff realised from the screams downstairs that it had burned straight through the floor and was causing chaos on the level below.
May said: “It kept slowly burning through carpet, concrete and steel without showing any diminishing of its size or effect. The ceiling tiles looked like a meteor had hit them.
“Luckily on the third floor it landed on an intern and on contact with flesh began to mutate into something new and horrifying, which gave us time to stop it.
“The tear was eventually extracted and is being kept in a secure facility at Porton Down.”
May added: “They believe my little tear could be used to create a new bioweapon which could lay waste to whole continents. Nice one.”