Brexit plan actually more like a Clockwork Orange, confirms auditor general

THE official who compared the government’s Brexit plan to a chocolate orange has clarified he actually meant the senseless brutality of the film A Clockwork Orange.

Auditor general Amyas Morse said that the current cabinet are very much like bowler hat-wearing droogs who, intoxicated on the milk-plus of Brexit, head out for a bit of the old ultra-violence.

He added: “When I see David Davis and his team I see men who claim to be cultured and enjoy Beethoven but instead indulge themselves in acts of mindless vandalism.

“One may attempt to cure these people by holding their eyelids open in front an assault of negative imagery, such as pretty much any news story about Brexit, but no cure will take and they’ll continue to destroy innocent lives.

“So basically there is no solution apart from banning them from the public eye for 27 years until they become incredibly dated and boring.”

David Davis said: “Come and get one in the yarbles, uncle!”

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Brexiters compare Great Repeal Bill to their bollocks version of history

BREXIT supporters have compared the ‘Great Repeal Bill’ to the Magna Carta and other momentous historical events they do not understand.

Passionate Brexiters are insisting the first legislative stage of exiting the EU is a pivotal moment in their made-up version of British history.

Roy Hobbs, from Stevenage, said: “Today we have broken free from European tyranny, like in 1066 when King Harold recaptured Stonehenge from the Vikings.

“The Repeal Bill is more significant than even the Magna Carta, which invented the idea of laws and turned us into a great homeowning nation by allowing every Englishman to buy a shed.

“Let’s not forget Britain was responsible for every major advance in human history, including fire, ships and the internet.

“What has Europe ever invented? Cheese and mime.”

Emma Bradshaw, from Nottingham, added: “This is exactly the same as when Britain saved Europe, Russia and America from the Nazis. If we did all that and still found time to beat the Chinese, then Brexit should be a piece of piss.”