May trying to imagine what human beings are like

THERESA May is trying to find out what motivates normal human beings so that she can sound vaguely like one of them, it has emerged.

After promising to cap household energy bills, the prime minister is attempting to identify other ways of appealing to people who are not weird political robots like herself.

A Downing Street source said: “I think Theresa’s been googling ‘what do people like’ because she asked me if I had any policy ideas about Harry Styles, Blackadder and ‘hot MILFs’.

“She’s also asking random people. One of her security officers is into carp fishing, so she wanted to give everyone in Britain a rod and tackle box, but Amber Rudd said it wasn’t that popular.”

Appearing on The One Show, May said: “I’m passionate about the same things as British human beings – Kylie Jenner, Bristol City football club, lolcats, real UFO sightings and pasta cooking tips.

“After speaking to four of the humans I’m planning a number of new initiatives, starting with a £15 billion scheme to make actors speak clearly in BBC dramas.”

Voter Norman Steele said: “She’s promised to bring back hanging and commission a new series of The Vicar of Dibley. It’s like all my Christmases have come at once.”

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Trump convinced this is actually clever

DONALD Trump believes that firing the man investigating his collusion with Russia is a really clever solution to the whole problem, he has confirmed. 

The president is patting himself on the back for his inspired decision to summarily dismiss FBI director James Comey, thereby ensuring the whole Russia thing will never be raised again.

A White House aide said: “You can hear him chuckling at his own brilliance right through the West Wing.

“Genuinely, he can’t wait to see this morning’s headlines, because he’s expecting across-the-board congratulation for getting rid of the guy who wronged Hillary.

“He was all, ‘That’s how you do business, Jared! Boom! Investigation over, Trump innocent, we will not be hearing from that guy again’.

“He also asked security to check Comey didn’t have a VHS videotape on him, especially one labelled ‘Ritz-Carlton Moscow 2013’, and when he didn’t said, ‘Great. That’s that one buried.’”

Trump added: “And did you notice I used my catchphrase? ‘You’re fired?’ Beautiful.”