Saturday, 4th April 2020

Meet the government's crack anti-coronavirus team

IN a crisis it’s important to feel you can trust your leaders. But we live in Britain, so here are the chancers and idiots standing between the country and disaster.

Matt Hancock, health secretary

The man who said the NHS would have ‘no privatisation on my watch’ then tendered out 21 contracts hasn’t even been able to prevent coronavirus in his own ministerial team. Expected to advise that the best treatment is a satsuma and plenty of press-ups.

Grant Shapps, transport secretary

Vital supplies must keep coming during a pandemic. And by ordering under all of his different online aliases, Shapps has already cornered the Westminster handwash market and is selling it to cabinet members for £30 a bottle.

Liz Truss, secretary of state for international trade

Notorious moron who was shocked and furious to discover that Britain imports cheese. It’s good to know Liz will be on hand if there are food shortages, perhaps suggesting people tuck into a healthy, locally-sourced salad of wolfsbane and foxglove.

Priti Patel, home secretary

Patel’s bullying, authoritarian streak could prove useful if coronavirus causes civil unrest. That’s if she hadn’t thoroughly alienated the police as the Tories tend to these days. Also she’d round up Remainers first and rioters second.

Dominic Raab, foreign secretary

Has a brilliant mind for geography and logistics, correctly noticing that Britain is an island and the Calais-Dover route is important for trade. Even as you read this he is studying the feasibility of sending people with the virus to the Falklands in rowing boats.

Boris Johnson, prime minister

Hardworking, honest, reliable – none of these words apply to Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson. He now has the added responsibility of a new family to abandon, so coronavirus is probably about ninth on his list of priorities, after proving definitively that it’s not his fault.