Meet the government's crack anti-coronavirus team

IN a crisis it’s important to feel you can trust your leaders. But we live in Britain, so here are the chancers and idiots standing between the country and disaster.

Matt Hancock, health secretary

The man who said the NHS would have ‘no privatisation on my watch’ then tendered out 21 contracts hasn’t even been able to prevent coronavirus in his own ministerial team. Expected to advise that the best treatment is a satsuma and plenty of press-ups.

Grant Shapps, transport secretary

Vital supplies must keep coming during a pandemic. And by ordering under all of his different online aliases, Shapps has already cornered the Westminster handwash market and is selling it to cabinet members for £30 a bottle.

Liz Truss, secretary of state for international trade

Notorious moron who was shocked and furious to discover that Britain imports cheese. It’s good to know Liz will be on hand if there are food shortages, perhaps suggesting people tuck into a healthy, locally-sourced salad of wolfsbane and foxglove.

Priti Patel, home secretary

Patel’s bullying, authoritarian streak could prove useful if coronavirus causes civil unrest. That’s if she hadn’t thoroughly alienated the police as the Tories tend to these days. Also she’d round up Remainers first and rioters second.

Dominic Raab, foreign secretary

Has a brilliant mind for geography and logistics, correctly noticing that Britain is an island and the Calais-Dover route is important for trade. Even as you read this he is studying the feasibility of sending people with the virus to the Falklands in rowing boats.

Boris Johnson, prime minister

Hardworking, honest, reliable – none of these words apply to Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson. He now has the added responsibility of a new family to abandon, so coronavirus is probably about ninth on his list of priorities, after proving definitively that it’s not his fault.

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Six ways to justify getting drunk even though it's Tuesday

IT’S a cold, wet Tuesday under lockdown with Britain in crisis. But if you need other reasons to hit the drink tonight, try these: 

You can

That’s right. You’re a grown-up, so if you want to knock back 12 cans of Strongbow and pass out on the couch that’s up to you. Make sure it doesn’t become a habit or that couch could turn into a park bench and that Strongbow could turn into, well, it’d still be Strongbow but either way.

It’s nearly the weekend

If Thursday is the new Friday then Wednesday is the new Thursday so Tuesday is kind of the new Saturday night. That makes sense, or it will after a few drinks.

The economy needs stimulating

Nobody’s going out and spending enough. If you don’t act, the economy will collapse. It’s your solemn responsibility to first stimulate the alcohol sector, then go shopping online.

You’ve been on time for work twice in a row

Looks like you’ll be a CEO soon, so celebrate while you’ve still got the free time. Let loose with a bottle of gin then arrive late and hungover before forgetting your password and throwing up in the disabled loo.

Can you really be drunk off eight cans of Stella?

Don’t go driving a car or operating any heavy machinery or anything but it’s only eight cans of a relatively weak lager. It just takes the edge off the week, that’s all.

It’ll be a laugh

Oh come on, don’t be so boring. It’ll be a laugh to get blind drunk with three days of the week left to go. Get out of your comfort zone.