Miliband grasping at straws

ED Miliband thinks getting married should do the trick, it has been confirmed.

Following the Labour leader’s decision to be the warm up act for an anarchist riot, Miliband hopes to win over middle England by finally getting round to marrying the mother of his two children.

Miliband insisted the decision is based solely on the ‘twin pillars of romance and commitment’ but insiders said the move carried the unmistakable stench of Campbell.

A senior Labour source said: “Alastair always believes in taking control of the story. That’s why when he found out the News of the World was going to splash on Robin Cook’s affair he told Robin to dump his wife of 28 years while they were at an airport.

“Sure enough, the agenda was changed and the foreign secretary wound up looking like an even bigger piece of shit.

“If Alastair was not involved in a decision as crass, transparent and badly timed as this then it means we have finally found his successor.”

But experts stressed that following the hype of the Royal wedding it will be good for Britain to be brought back to reality by the soul crushing spectacle of a pair of socialists reluctantly giving in to the Daily Mail.

Nathan Muir, professor of celebrity weddings at Reading University, said: “It’ll probably be a civil ceremony with communist hippy vows and they’ll go on honeymoon to Neil Kinnock’s birthplace.

“The whole thing will be utterly fucking hellish.”

Meanwhile the Labour leader stressed he will not have a best man because the last thing he needs is his bride looking at his brother and wishing she was with the other Miliband.



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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Who’s your daddy? Who’s your daddy? Who’s y…really? Well this is a tad awkward.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
An excellent day all round as your loud fart on the bus appears to bark the opening notes to Herb Alpert’s Spanish Flea.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Well done, your name is finally ‘trending’ on Twitter. In association with the term ‘dog video’.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
A proud moment this week when your toddler manages to scrawl their first offensive graffiti on the side of their Barney the Dinosaur DVD. Anatomically incorrect, but still, a marvellous effort.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week you realise that the only thing better than sex is sex with condiments.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Time to get that gambling problem looked at after you’re arrested in WH Smith for sacrificing a chicken all over the Lotto kiosk.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your thoughtful and fascinating film of early cave paintings in France is sadly let down by a complete lack of anthropomorphic animals.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You shouldn’t be so utterly absorbed in self-loathing. We’d all like a chance to despise you.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
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Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
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Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
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Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If you’re working for the Benefits Agency, it may be better to learn the correct terms for various disabilities rather than  simply being able to do a really good impression of them.