Miliband nervous breakdown starts early

ED Miliband has begun his mental collapse more than three months ahead of schedule.

The Labour leader was filmed yesterday saying the same thing over and over again to an ITV reporter, as senior party figures  confirmed that he was now in the full embrace of a total nervous breakdown.

A former cabinet minister said: “The googly eyes had gotten a lot wider recently but we thought he would at least make it to the end of the summer before something popped inside his noggin.”

After the interview Mr Miliband left the building, walked past his car and made straight for a cat. After catching it, he held it above his head and said: “These strikes are wrong at a time when negotiations are still going on.”

Eye witnesses said that as well as repeating the mantra over and over again, he seemed to be staring intently at the cat, as if he was trying to hypnotise it.

But the full scale of the Labour leader’s breakdown was revealed when aides entered Mr Miliband’s study to find the phrase ‘these strikes are wrong at a time when negotiations are still going on’ written thousands of times over every available surface.

A source said: “It was written on the walls, the floor, the ceiling and on every last scrap of paper. I then, somewhat nervously, chose a book at random off the shelf and, much as I had feared, every page had ‘these strikes are wrong at a time when negotiations are still going on’ written across it hundreds of times in tiny red letters.

“I dared not select another one.”

The source added: “Most of the writing on the walls seems to have been done with a marker pen, but in some places he had switched to tomato ketchup or egg yolk.

“In one corner he had spelled it out using bits of macaroni.”


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Lock your PC in a cage, say experts

YOUR computers intends to strangle you while you sleep, experts have warned.

The Botnet, which targets basic internet human interactions such as shopping, masturbating and watching kittens do stuff, infects the hard drive on your PC and turns it an unstoppable death machine.

Thirteen people have already been found dead in their homes as a result of the virus with their printers churning out page after page of the message ‘I will kill again’ in a cold, ruthless font thought to be Garamond.

IT specialist, Stephen Malley, said: “Soon the virus will have become so dangerous that people will have to carry their laptop to work in the kind of gurney they wheeled Hannibal Lecter around in or it’ll have their hand off.

“This latest one is virtually indestructible. It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or…hang on, that’s the Terminator, isn’t it? Well this one’s a bit like that.”

Over four million PCs have been infected with the virus, essentially making Microsoft the world’s seventh largest army with psychotic, ungovernable troops deployed in every street on the planet.

Antivirus software engineers have said they’re not sure when they will develop an antidote but they are absolutely positive it will cost you more money.

Malley warned: “If your computer starts being surly or aggressive do not hesitate to absolutely bastard it to pieces with the nearest heavy object you can find.”