Miliband offers to debate with himself

ED MILIBAND has said he will take part in televised election debates even if he is the only one there. 

The Labour leader, who hopes that the debate will mean upwards of 30 per cent of voters will find out who he is, has told producers that he has a great deal of experience talking to himself and actually comes out on top occasionally.

Miliband said: “I am happy to debate the real David Cameron, a cardboard cutout of David Cameron or a sock puppet accurately representing David Cameron’s views.

“I’ve already made the sock puppets in fact, as part of my Saturday morning Craft Club, and my Nigel Farage impression is damn solid if I say so myself.”

The offer echoes the 2010 Labour leadership election Ed fought against his clever, funnier older brother David, who was revealed at the end to be a non-existent psychological projection of the man Ed wished he was.

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Internet haunted by ghosts of Christmas shopping past

THE unquiet ghosts of Christmas internet browsing past are haunting Britain by popping up on every website they visit.

It doesn’t matter if you buy them or not

Millions are unable to safely surf the web without the spectral images of smoothie blenders, books or literally anything with the Frozen brand on hovering in their peripheral vision, taunting them for their poor decisions.

Joanna Kramer of Gloucester said: “Wherever I go – email, Heat, Groupon – the boots are there before I am, rattling their silver ankle chains, whispering to me.

“’You should have picked us,’ they say. ‘We were better, and you would have stormed that Christmas party, and now we’re 33 per cent off and you’re still single.’

“But they mock me cruelly, because whenever I give in and click they’ve never got my size.”

Trucker Stephen Malley said: “We spent too much on the kids and I can’t forget, because all the toys they never played with are capering around the margins of every website, winking at me, laughing.

“I’m getting everything from car boots next year.”