Miliband’s home-help is foul-mouthed little Scottish woman

ED Miliband has admitted to employing a nasty little Scottish woman to help around the house.

The Labour leader is the latest politician to come clean about employing foreign domestic staff, but stressed he was only doing so because he wants rid of her.

Mr Miliband said: “I’ve tried sacking her three times, but she just uses the f-word and then calls me a ‘pathetic wee shite’.

“If anyone would like to take her off my hands, that would be excellent. She will insist on living with you, so you will need a broadminded approach to all of the sexual swearwords.”

He added: “She does make a very palatable stew out of potatoes and, what appears to be, mince.

“Also – never, ever go into her room.”

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Bitcoin founder not a real wizard

THE creator of Bitcoin has been revealed as a mere mortal who cannot dispense hearts, brains or courage.

Satoshi Nakamoto is in no way magical, but is just a middle-aged man who sits behind a shiny curtain and pulls levers.

When the news broke, the market value of Bitcoin plummeted as investors rushed to sell the currency because it wasn’t enchanted.

Emotionally-incomplete Roy Hobbs said “I was hoping Bitcoin man would give me gifts of guidance and spiritual counsel.

“But all he had to offer was the pile of old Nintendo magazines in his bathroom. And he got quite cross when I took one – he told me off using a megaphone, which was embarrassing.

“Now I know that he’s just a grumpy old man who sits around in his golden underpants, I’ve realised the truth I was seeking was inside me all along.”