Ministers Hired Accountants Who Don't Know What Capital Gains Tax Is

NINE government ministers used £11,000 of taxpayers' money to scour Britain for the tiny handful of accountants who don't know what capital gains tax is, it emerged last night.

Chancellor Alistair Darling, Borrower Hazel Blears, pornography enthusiast Jacqui Smith and six other non-entities insisted they had acted within the rules that allow them to dodge the tax system they gleefully impose on you under threat of imprisonment.

A Treasury spokesman said: "Most of the money was used to hire the army of private detectives who went out and found the accountants in the first place.

"An accountant will generally not admit that he doesn't know what capital gains tax is, so you have to try and catch them out with a few carefully worded questions.

"A typical question would be, 'I have two houses, I sell the one I don't live in most of the time, are there any tax implications?'. The correct answer is of course, 'I have no idea what you're talking about', although we would also accept, 'how are you spelling "tax"?'.

The spokesman added: "Darling's got to be fucked this time. Surely to God?"

Meanwhile Eric Joyce, the Labour backbencher with the highest expenses claims of any MP, said he would 'suck it and see' after admitting he forgot to pay capital gains tax. Twice.

He added: "Sucking it always worked with Tony Blair, though I'm told Gordon Brown prefers to have it rubbed vigorously with coconut oil until it goes off in your hand like some kind of creamy firework. Anyway, we'll see."

And as the expenses scandal threatened to sweep away dozens of sitting thieves, Tory leader David Cameron said his party's candidate list will now be opened up to Britain's freaks, weirdos and grade-A nutjobs, rather than a few ex-barristers who urgently need their stables re-varnished.

A spokesman admitted the party 'may now shift a tad rightwards', adding: "The next manifesto should certainly have some really fascinating things to say about racial theory, while we're looking forward to a vigorous debate about exactly how homosexuals should be put to death."

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Logic Abuse Rife In Catholic Schools

HUNDREDS of pupils were subjected to a series of depraved attacks on their basic common sense over a 40 year period, the Irish government has confirmed.

A devastating report into the Catholic education system has revealed endemic insane voodoo delivered via stories about pregnant virgins, fish-based magic and inflammable bushes with deep, booming American accents.

The report states: "Typically the children would be woken up at 7am by one of the teachers screaming about how fossils were nothing more than Satan's place mats.

"By 5pm, the children had been through repeated, sordid levels of utter horseshit.

"Some were so scarred by their experience that they grew up to watch all those programmes about haunted houses on Living TV and say things like, 'you can't prove there aren't ghosts'."

The report also revealed how the maltreatment of logic reached the highest echelons of the Church, with the Pope himself teaching children they would roast in the 'Bad Fire' if they touched themselves in the 'whore-equipment'.

One victim, who refused to be named, said: "Father Mackie called me into his office, sat me on his knee and forced me to believe in the indivisible nature of the Trinity against my will.

"I kept telling him that the idea of a patriarchal creator was inherently self- contradictory and with no basis in rational thought, but he wouldn't stop…. he wouldn't stop."

The report has proposed a series of reforms including Ireland finally dragging itself out of the 14th century and no longer believing in things that obviously aren't true.